August 2010
1 post
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success
I measure success by the number of spent lime wedges found at the bottom of my glass.
July 2010
4 posts
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contraception
I am witness¹ to a growing number of conversations that include a half-hearted sentiment that goes like this:
Person: Enjoy [your baby] now, because they grow up really fast.
It sounds a lot like this:
Person: The whole thing turns to total shit.
¹ Witness to, not party to.
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Rename the exclamation point
For the betterment of society I propose we call it the “anal sensory rape spike.” Maybe then calls to avoid overusing the anal sensory rape spike might actually carry some weight.
Someone: The bitch from HR totally loves the sensory rape spike. Another: I know; she needs to cool it in those emails. We - we are talking email, right?
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June 2010
6 posts
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Just that.
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May 2010
15 posts
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merlin:
“@Mike_FTW Mommybloggers to the Gulf floor. Because they’ll plug anything corporate America spews.”
— Colleen Wainwright. That’s right; Colleen went there. Colleen went there _fucking hard_.
Spot-on.
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March 2010
2 posts
5 tags
A non-ironic dinner
Earnestly shaking Jiffy Pop, back and forth over the stovetop, with a fearful anticipation over its inevitable pop and, perhaps, make mess larger than I am committed to. This is the closest I’ll ever get to giving some guy a handy.
Also, my forearm is kind of sore.
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Dinosaurs who?
Science doesn’t contradict religion, it just contradicts your religion.
February 2010
35 posts
1 tag
Out of context
“And from there I can start weening those people onto the cunt.”
“Single girls who say ‘Where are the good men?’, also walk into empty...”
– Kelly Oxford
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Today's PSA
There is nothing worse than that sweaty balls smell.
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Growing pleasures
Shower beers are for frat boys.
I just had a shower gin.
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HENRY
kellyoxford:
Last night Henry and I were watching ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and discussing the culture, time period and decor. Henry: what is the material she’s wearing?
Kelly: silk. i can’t wear it because i have three kids and it would get destroyed.
Henry: where does it come from.
Kelly: worms.
Henry: serious?
Kelly: yes.
HENRY VOMITS ON HIS LAP I SHIT YOU NOT; IT GROSSED HIM...
No matter how bad I feel
I can always tell myself that I’m not Dick Cheney, or his heart.
And like that, I have a new lease on life.
Butts indeed
A leading indicator of my gradual maturation is my increasing attraction to legs on the female form.
No worries, I still like boobies.
And butts.
Mmm… butts.
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BlackBook: Finally, a dating site worth looking... →
ouelletteda:
Rather than scoping for semi-attractive “lawyers” on eHarmony and yielding results worth hiding from your momma, we New Yorkers will soon be able to choose people based on their date ideas, thanks to “HowAboutWe.Com”.
Eiseley: How about we… go to a shooting range after you buy me a bottle of…
Is there a date where we can both know how stupid this site/service sounds?
Sign me...
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So we're in agreement
Me: My writing ages like a carton of half and half left in the sun. Also, I never like who I become when I try to impress someone.
Other: Amen to that second one.
Me: See, you're already over the first one. Ages. Like. Dairy.
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“I wrote a joke about grandmothers and dildos. THIS IS WHAT I DO WITH MYSELF.”
– My shame hole.1
1I’m a man, so this would be in reference to my mouth.
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I told you it was founded in reason
If it wasn’t for Facebook, then I wouldn’t have the ammo to feel so self-righteous.
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“It’s not bedazzled or anything, but it’s ok.”
– Me, on the subject of my penis.
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What's the driving force?
Is it that they’re the Winter Olympics or that they’re in Canada that fills me with such indifference?
I don’t mean to scoff at people who have committed nearly all of their young lives in the pursuit of representing their beloved countries in peaceful, international competition, but: scoff.
Also, see previous post.
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My Valentine's Day
Home alone with garlic clove pizza, diet orange soda, and streaming Netflix.
When did my life get so good?
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Not really, but I'm going anyways
In honor of the Chinese New Year, I will be having lunch at Panda Express today.1
On a scale of 1 to Mel Gibson, how racist is this?
1. See: title
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“I’m exchanging Valentine’s Day cards with others, but Crystal Harris...”
– Hugh Hefner
Full-time. Like a job.
